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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 23 April 2009 12:13 am |
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Today I glanced at my calendar and realized the last day I went without a binge was April 10th. That's really sad. Whatever happened to losing ten pounds by the time I start work? That's in 5 days and I'm not even trying. I just depress myself 
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 23 April 2009 02:35 am |
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| Awww, Ash, sorry to hear it's so hard these days. Do you have any sense of what is causing all these binges? Maybe the pressure to lose weight for the pants to fit and work and all that is just having the opposite effect and making you binge?? Just try to take it one day at a time, and do what you can to avoid the binges. I speak from experience... if you can get a few good days in, you will feel better!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 April 2009 11:11 pm |
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I said I'd meet a friend for dinner and now I'm just exhausted and annoyed and I really don't want to go. Why the #%@&! do I ever agree to do anything? I just want to be a happy hermit and the world is determined to not let that happen. 
Edit: well I went and waited, giving them the 15 minute grace period they wanted, they didn't show. So I went home. And baked snickerdoodles. Because THEY waited for me. You know, if I'd been looking forward to this, I'd be very angry right now, but it is a relief to go home and change and flop on my bed in the breeze. The cat's way ahead of me on that. I wish I was a cat. All it takes to make them happy is sunshine and an open window. Seriously, how easy would life be if we were like that?
Last edited on 25 April 2009 12:25 am by AshIdiot
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 25 April 2009 01:31 am |
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no joke. i think about that a lot 
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CrimsonAnimus
Moderator
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Posted: 25 April 2009 06:41 pm |
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I've always wanted to be my dog. She gets love from 5 different people, goes for daily walks, gets to play ball. All she really asks for besides her basic needs are some regular love and attention. Ah, to be a dog...
Or a cat, for that matter...
Hey, I wouldn't even mind being a monkey! I like bananas...
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 26 April 2009 03:09 am |
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Another really hot, summery day. It was fine up until the time my retarded mom invited my sister and her kid over. Seriously. Would she just die of loneliness if that cow didn't come over every weekend and eat everything in sight while bitching about her weight and trying to act educated about nutrition? It's just so #%@&!ing intolerable. I've had it. I ended up eating just so I would have a reason not to talk to her.
In other news, my mom was yard saling this morning and someone's willing to sell me the full Urban Rebounding set for $40 which is pretty cool.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 26 April 2009 05:13 am |
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| Ash, what is Urban Rebounding? Sorry to hear your sis was around again today, I know you don't get along well with her. Maybe you should just leave for a walk or something when she gets there, to avoid her... better than getting stressed because she's there and eating~
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 26 April 2009 08:15 pm |
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It's like a little mini trampoline that comes with DVDs and a stabilizer bar. Supposed to be good for all sorts of things, but I just thought it would be fun. I changed my mind about getting it though. I never really stick to anything, why waste the money?
Edit: I've been doing some thinking as I am prone to do on rare occasions, and I realized I have the exact same mindset of the people on the Biggest Loser. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy and thin and healthy and to shine. I eat in private, lying about what I ate, sneaking around behind the scenes. I feel guilty before, during, and after I binge with little to no effect the next time I want to. I think to myself, 'it's so much hard work to get thin' or 'I'm overwhelmed at how far there is to go.' But the strange thing is, I've only gained 20 pounds in 5 1/2 years. That's less than four pounds a year. I was told after a lot of lab tests that I have a very high metabolism but I just kind of snorted. Maybe my body can process dye pills very quickly, but certainly not mcdonald's chicken selects. Of course, most of that was me never being happy with my body and that was the year I sprouted mini love-handles. But when you think about it, I eat about 3,000 calories a day without fail and I'm hard-pressed to gain 2 pounds a week. If I could just stop. the. daily. binges. I think I could be back to a healthy body fat level pretty quickly. Lately my goal is to go longer in between binges but today I broke over between 6:30 and 7 pm, can't remember exactly, and the day before was 8:05 pm. So now I'm hoping against hope I can do 28 hours which would technically mean I didn't binge from sun-up to sun-down.
Agghhh. Work starts Tuesday. Back to a daily routine. And I'll start seeing skinny people again! Hopefully being in their presence will shame me away from the moose tracks. I'll take a travel cup of iced tea or decaf coffee to work with me, that usually helped on some days. I used to have a thing of diet hot chocolate that I would chug on the way home. I haven't been getting enough calcium lately. Or anything, really. There's a good site I could use, I'll spend tomorrow putting all my foods and drinks back on there.
Last edited on 27 April 2009 02:01 am by AshIdiot
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 27 April 2009 07:00 pm |
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I don't feel like I deserve to be happy and thin and healthy and to shine. I eat in private, lying about what I ate, sneaking around behind the scenes. I feel guilty before, during, and after I binge with little to no effect the next time I want to. I think to myself, 'it's so much hard work to get thin' or 'I'm overwhelmed at how far there is to go.' But the strange thing is, I've only gained 20 pounds...
wow. that is me entirely. i mean, that is EXACTLY how i think, feel, and act. wow, certainly something worth thinking about.
thanks.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 28 April 2009 12:54 am |
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Me too... especially the eating in private part. I always say no thank you to dessert in public, and steer clear of all the sugary treats that would be bad for my diabetes... then sit with a bag of chocolate chips at around midnight and eat the whole #%@&!ed thing. Self-sabotage, why do we do that? Definitely deserves our consideration.
As for the moose tracks... LOL... that's what got me last night. It's my son's fave...
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Lemondrop
New Member
| Joined: | 15 April 2009 |
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| Posts: | 11 |
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Posted: 28 April 2009 01:50 am |
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AshIdiot wrote: I hate children. I hate them so much. I don't know why it's legal to take them outside of your own home. Or even have them if you're clearly white trash. Ahem. Back to ME.
I love raspberries.
Oh my god.. I love this!!!!!!!
I just feel like I should write this down and put it on my fridge or something. It really makes me laugh out loud!
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Lemondrop
New Member
| Joined: | 15 April 2009 |
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| Posts: | 11 |
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Posted: 28 April 2009 01:57 am |
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AshIdiot wrote: But I'm 20 years old, how much longer can I wear American Eagle without feeling guilty? And the jeans in the Misses department are revoltingly matronly. I suppose I have plenty of time to think it over.
Hey- Im 22 and I just love american eagle still... I like to treat myself to a lower pantsize at rewards.. hopefully I get another reward soon, if I can ever lose these dang 6lbs! I also like to get them off ebay and then keep them in my closet and stare at them until they fit. Im pretty retarded.
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Lemondrop
New Member
| Joined: | 15 April 2009 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 11 |
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Posted: 28 April 2009 02:11 am |
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AshIdiot wrote: http://img183.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=tankinifront.jpg
Heyyy you look goood! Idk what kind of pants you have that says size 9 or 11 I think you look way smaller than that!!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 28 April 2009 11:16 pm |
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Ahhh work. The whole day I just thought "can I really handle this? can I go through this again?" which is what I imagine a runner's mind goes through before a second marathon. I get tomorrow off which is great, I'll explain in a minute. My work schedule: 30th, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th. And that's as far in the future as it goes. One of those days was a shift I picked up for someone and, to be honest, I'll probably get more or work later because some people aren't showing up. My little dilemma of the day was when I'm going to find the time to work out. I'm fairly sure I'll be getting home around 3:30 on most of those days which means I could work out later in the evening around 7 or 8 because today I worked from 9:45 to 5:00 and my legs are pretty weak and exhausted. Since tomorrow's free I figured I could work out twice. I actually found a nifty workout regimen that's supposed to make you stronger faster, which is what I need. It has a morning and an evening component that I really could do if I just quit making excuses. There's weights and interval walking which I will convert directly to cycling. I thought I might work out before leaving in the morning but please, how likely is that to happen? I admire the people who can do that. Maybe on the days I go in at noon. And definitely later in the year when I go in around 3.
I'm so incoherent right now. I'm showered, I could go pass out...in fact, I think I will. Tuesday = nothing new on tv so I wouldn't miss anything. WAIT! Tonight's the biggest loser finale, isn't it?! I hate crying but Filipe is something special, I'm desperate to see what he looks like today. I bet he looks anorexic like Bob with his skull trying to escape his forehead. I can't imagine him any other way.
Okay, so, not the finale yet. That's next week. So, time for me to continue blabbering about nothing. I love my new shampoo-conditioner. I love the new diet bread I found. It's Schwebel's light wheat. The crust is fantastic, tastes like real bread. It's so SOFT. It doesn't scrape the roof of my mouth while swallowing. It doesn't taste like an unsalted cracker when you toast it. I do believe it is the world's best bread. And I'm sure you're waiting to hear my binge. I had one cookie equivalent of dough, about 6 pb cookies with hershey kisses in them, and three kisses on their own. Oh, and about 1.5 cups of espresso ice cream with 1.5 tbsp sugar-free hot fudge. OH MY GOD so good. So sinful, though. I'll just put the hot fudge on my diet vanilla. Oh, and for anyone curious, the PB2+choc tastes like...chocolate powder. There's no peanut butter in there at all. It's still nifty for cracker spreads and things like that. And the bad news for today: the happy summer weather has been replaced by typical late April weather. Cold, rainy, and miserable.
Last edited on 29 April 2009 02:33 am by AshIdiot
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 29 April 2009 02:51 am |
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| Ash, I am sure you will figure out how to fit in the exercise with the work schedule. The new bread sounds yummy. I have gotten lazy with eating "diet" breads- I usually just have the occasional slice of the regular stuff. My big thing is low cal wraps, they make awesome sandwiches!!!! Yum... With that hectic work schedule, you will be rolling in the dough before you know it~
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 April 2009 09:12 pm |
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| Today just started off on the wrong foot. Last night I was agitated and angry about being queasy for zero reason and my mom completely ignoring me and proceeding to leave her very pungent dinner sitting out overnight (in fact, it's still on the counter). You know how I am. Or if you didn't, you do now. So I got up with my alarm at a quarter to 8 and loafed around for ten minutes. Then I finally worked out and, with 8 minutes left, I checked the clock and thank god I did. It was eleven after nine! I have to be OUT the door at 9:30 or I won't get to work on time. So I showered really quick, scrambling around, no breakfast, couldn't find my hair brush, get to work 5 minutes early. Then I don't clock in until 9:47 and the computer tells me I've earned a demerit because of it. I was THERE, I just CLOCKED IN late. So I was furious about that all morning. Secretly. Trying really hard to hide that. It was slow and there was another person working so I got to leave at 12:30. Came home and ate breakfast and I don't know what I did but it's 4 now. I can't stop thinking about binge food. That was even my dream last night, eating ice cream. And a banana that didn't need weighed. And some sort of crackers. Anyway I was setting out what I needed to make a sundae when I gathered up my quarters and instead went to dairy queen for a 700 calorie peanut buster parfait. I of course spilled it on the passenger seat when I was turning onto my street. It wasn't a whole lot, just the top part. WHY did I tell her I didn't need a lid when she asked?! I dug out as much as I could with a wet washcloth and sprayed a lot of febreze but now I just feel horrible about my car smelling. At least this is a cold wet week, not a hot one. That would make it a lot worse. Anyhow the rest of the night is green tea. And absolutely nothing else. Another workout should make me feel better about the whole thing.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 2 May 2009 03:04 am |
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| Ash, sounds like your day just started off on the wrong foot and never got back to good! Sorry to hear about the sundae, but maybe whatever spilled cut the calories some!! I bet it is killer to work around ice cream every day. It is my kryptonite! I would go nuts... wanting to eat it every day... arghhh... hopefully you can resist most days and then splurge now and again~
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 3 May 2009 10:34 pm |
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My binges have been predictable. Today was slightly stressful as the new people were nervous and it was our first "busy" day of the season (probably 40 customers while I was there, I estimate about 100 for the day) and I just really needed a friggin ice cream cone. But I didn't get one because I was trying to be good. That nagging voice in the back of my head said "you know you're just going to eat those waffle fries when you get home. grab a cone!" But I didn't have that ice cream cone until around 5 pm when I went a few stores down from the grocery to the marble slab creamery. I got coffee and birthday cake in a waffle cone with cashews mixed in. It was so freaking good. I only regret the calories. Usually I say "that wasn't even worth the calories!" but this was. Maybe because I wanted it for so long before I finally gave in. And my stepdad gave me some sort of high-protein low-carb bar that I had as 'dinner'. The label said 360 but when you do the math it's 396 cals. I wonder so much about labels. Sometimes you add up the calories and you get a lot less than what it's labelled as.
But of course on the way to the ice cream place I glanced at my side reflection in the glass walls like every woman does and I have That Butt that I hate on other people, That Butt I've always been "so thankful not to have!". Of course I was pretty much devastated but determined to fully, fully enjoy that ice cream. I'm having my ritualistic green tea now and once it's gone I'll brush my teeth and call it a day. I think maybe I need to stop eating at 6 instead of 8, that way the calories don't have to stretch as far.
Been doing good on exercising before work, it lets me get into a good, blank, calm mood and after sweating and showering I don't worry about having 'morning face' anymore where my eyes are dead. I skipped ONE morning and I forget the exact reason, something to do with my period. Today someone from last year and I got to jabbering away and she mentioned she's uncomfortable with her weight and there was some really inspiring guy at career day representing personal trainers at her school fair. So maybe she can be my workout buddy eventually! We both love ice cream though we try to limit it. I've never seen her sneak taster spoons and I think I've only seen her get a dish once or twice at the end of her shift. And she's painfully nice, she wouldn't like yell at me if I got ice cream but I think she could be a good deterrent when I feel like breaking over. But every time I get a good idea like this it backfires or never happens, so I won't say anything unless she does first.
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CrimsonAnimus
Moderator
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Posted: 4 May 2009 12:19 pm |
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Hi, Ashley!
Yeah, gotta watch the labels. Most of the products I eat regularly come pretty close when you do the math, but some of them are way off - like beans, as well as Kashi products. Perhaps it would benefit you to start taking the higher number, at least for the foods you eat the most often.
I hope the workout buddy thing works out for you! Having someone to work out with is great for accountability and encouragement. Great job with staying motivated on the exercise!
Fortunately, I do have my mother to keep me on track. Last night, I was in a bit of a frenzy after Nir taught me about the real calorie price of beans. I kept going back and forth between the pantry and my office, and Mom was asleep on the couch. She woke up and said, "Hey, what are you doing? You're not sneaking food, are you?" So...it really does help to have that person to keep you straight.
Good health to you. 
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 5 May 2009 12:15 am |
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Today I of course fell off the bandwagon sooner than ever. I think it was 1:30 when I had about...1/3 cup of ice cream, under 1/2 for sure. Then I had two tiny tastes of new flavors. And about 2 square inches of cookie with a teaspoon of hot fudge. When I got home I hit the grocery and bought a pint of raspberry fudge ice cream, a foam tray of popcorn chicken, and a pack of peanut m&ms. Then later on I had three hershey kisses melted with 1.5 tbsp peanut butter swirled together. Now I'm drinking some surprisingly good diet grape soda and thinking "was that such a good idea?" Of course it wasn't but I'm so tired of beating myself up. But I'm also so very, very tired of saying "starting tomorrow." I'm getting daaaaangerously close to my highest recorded weight which makes me nervous. Getting very anxious and indecisive. I can't wait for work to get busy so I'll have less time to think about getting ice cream. That stupid thought is stuck in my head though, "You know you'll want it later at home. You'll end up eating something else that's bad. Then tomorrow you can start this all over again."
MEH.
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 7 May 2009 02:21 am |
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| Ohhh, how I have some of those same self-sabotaging thoughts... and we have the same taste in binge foods too, sweets and more sweets... hope you can break the cycle soon and get back to the work you were doing. I used to have a little mantra back when I was actually losing weight on my diet... "The more you say tomorrow, the more you'll weigh tomorrow"... need to refocus on that concept and forget excuses... let's both try to remember this little saying and start worrying about today rather than tomorrow!
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 8 May 2009 07:48 pm |
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"The more you say tomorrow, the more you'll weigh tomorrow"... need to refocus on that concept and forget excuses... let's both try to remember this little saying and start worrying about today rather than tomorrow!
hey mj- i was gonna say that! lol! i knw i got it from someone on here, but i didn't know where it came from!
it's a great line 
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 May 2009 12:30 am |
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| That quote is pretty awesome, I'll have to post it somewhere I can see it. I thought I posted THIS reply, but I guess my internet fizzled out as it is prone to doing. I don't really have much of an update but just now when I went to weigh myself after two bowls of ice cream I thought "oh lord, here it comes, 147.4" and it was 145.2! I just got so happy. I guess the few extra pounds I've had this week really were water retention. I now have the motivation to eat that salad in the fridge...wiht some grapes in it, of course.
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KristaK
New Member
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Posted: 9 May 2009 03:13 am |
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How are you, AshIdiot?
Losing weight, feeling great?
I sure hope so!
GO YOU! 
You can do it! Come on!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 13 May 2009 02:39 am |
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Mini-update! Saturday I worked out AND didn't binge. My weight dropped to 145.4 by the time I weighed-in and the next morning it was 142.8. Like, seriously? When I binge, I eat four pounds of food on average? That thought is terrifying. Right now I...well, don't weigh 142, let's put it that way. Lately I just get frustrated over the stupidest things and it makes me eat when I get home. I'm making a list of stuff that needs eaten like the fresh produce and half-gallon of sugar-free jello I made (80 cals for the whole thing!). No more chips, candy bars, chicken strips, ice cream cones. Going to the zoo Saturday! I'm excited about that. Need to figure out if any of my clothes fit.......you know, I bet those one-size-too-big clothes from ebay would fit perfectly right about now 
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 14 May 2009 10:11 pm |
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Today was just a good day. For no reason at all. A little while ago I sat outside for a while since the sun came out and the dog was barking anyway. It's really relaxing. I wonder why I had a food problem when we first moved here. My mom was terrified the dog would break his chain and run away so we had to sit there with him the whole time he was outside. Which was a few hours a day. I used to listen to my ipod but now I do sudoku or just let my mind wander freely. I was out there today thinking "you know, this is nice, and it's a good alternative to eating, but it's not burning any calories." I think I need to take up walking again. I'm still excited about going to the zoooooo. Should be good exercise and the website says there's a couple places to get "healthy alternatives" for lunch. Being out in the sun will do me some good hopefully. I haven't eaten anything bad yet today. I cleaned some strawberries and chunked half a pineapple and the grapes are already washed. I could whip up a fruit salad if I get hungry and nuke some chicken. I don't even know what to do tomorrow on my day off. Maybe play video games. Or bake something. I could check out that cookyourselfthin website. The show's pretty good but they never cook anything I would eat. I got some ground turkey that I made into patties that I could make tonight. I plan on loading it with onion powder. I'm also disappointed how many calories there are in edamame beans. I thought Victoria Beckham ate those! Sheesh. I may not wish I looked like her, but I do wish I was just as active....I haven't exercised in four days now. Feeling a little guiltyyy
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mj36
Senior Member
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Posted: 14 May 2009 11:12 pm |
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| Hey, Ash, hang in there. Walking is awesome for both relaxing and losing lbs. I have been taking long walks on my treadmill with the tunes cranked lately!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 May 2009 02:03 am |
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Holy cow I hate IE8. I haven't found a button on an entry form yet that has worked. Anyway. I haven't been writing because there's nothing to write about. Nothing good, at least. The weather's putting me in a much better mood. Today my slip-up was a twix bar and a pack of pb m&ms. I didn't eat for five hours afterward and then I decided it was dinner time. I steamed some fish in my microwave gadget and it was just awful so I thought "screw this" and went to walmart. I got a big box of rice krispie cereal, a cute skirt I saw on the rack, and a few pints of ice cream. Yeah, yeah, shut up.
So here's the skirt:
http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/9092/skirtfront.jpg
Looks cute from the front, right? I'm only a little lovehandle-y. But look at it from the side.
http://img36.imageshack.us/img36/1445/skirtside.jpg
A completely different story. This is the only picture that captured how I saw myself. The front-view picture, in my opinion, makes me look 10 pounds thinner. I don't know how. I think I look so much worse than that. The skirt is a roomy 8-10. It's an elastic waistband of course. But I can't imagine myself wearing a 6-8. I'm at 145.8 which is okay, I was expecting upwards of 148. Actually that's very strange, I was 146.0 when I woke up...but I'm not complaining. I'm not the only person who went grocery shopping today, which means we are double-stocked on strawberries and bananas. Which me and my stepdad (vacation this week) are only too happy to eat up.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 30 May 2009 12:06 am |
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My food habits are completely bipolar lately. I eat a healllllthy breakfast, take a diet soda to work so I don't feel left out, come home and steam some veggies and a meat serving of some sort. Then 5 o'clock rolls around and I want ice cream. Badly. It's just been ice cream lately. Any other food I eat is just because it's there. The day before my mom brought me a frosty. Yesterday my sister brought me a sundae. Today I bought myself some no-sugar-added low-fat cookie dough ice cream. It's so strange because I so RARELY eat ice cream at work. I've eaten it twice this year and on two other occasions I took some home. Been working since late April, so I consider this an accomplishment. Speaking of time passing, I'm just getting depressed about everything. It's May 29th for god's sake. Last time I checked it was like the 14th. Time goes by so fast that it's difficult to make myself care about anything silly like weight. I'd like to maintain at this point. As long as I don't have to go up a size in pants I don't care much.
Like I said earlier I got a microwave steaming dish and I've finally gotten the hang of it. Veggies don't need thawed but fish sure does. Learned that the hard way. Now that I've gotten that drilled into my brain I want to try some diced potatoes next. All of this started because those Healthy Choice meals got me hooked on broccoli but I couldn't justify spending $1.88 on those things. Now I can make vegetables a lot faster than boiling and fish doesn't smell up the house or ruin good pans. Actually I can't honestly say anything about the smell. I can't even smell fish but my brother can smell it from across the county line. I made some around 2:30, I'll have to see if he notices. It's kind of strange. I'm glad my palate is expanding. I was evening laying in bed one night fantasizing about fluffy, soft, yummy broccoli. Maybe I could do an every-other-day thing where I always eat healthy from breakfast to about 6 and then let myself have one plate of junk food. No matter how you slice it, it's a calorie reduction for me. I'll think about it. In the meantime, I need some cheap sunscreen. I read a three-page article while sitting on the porch and now I'm paranoid about driving down the road. Something new to occupy my mind!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 31 May 2009 03:47 am |
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Hem...today was a very good day in some ways and a very bad one in others. For instance, I am currently 5 pounds heavier than I woke up. I had 'bad food' starting at 11:40 am. Also, I am at my highest weight ever. 148.6. It feels pretty bad. Today was just one of those "I'm invincible", "today's a special day", "enjoy life for once and get out there" days. We planned to go to the strawberry festival downtown which we did. I got fries and a strawberry sundae. Then I had a couple chocolates, cookies, granola bars, cheese puffs, large piece of grilled chicken, candy bars, frozen coffee, chicken nuggets....Ay yi yi. Tomorrow I work from noon to...an unknown time, and then we're going back to the festival to grab some stuff I wanted if I get back soon enough. It's just fun to get out and walk around and put on good clothes and drop $5 on a bracelet, you know? I put on my sunscreen, wore my pretty sunglasses, had shaved legs and shorts, I felt pretty good. I didn't worry about my weight once, not even when I gulped down a sundae unnecessarily fast to free my hands for a fish game. I bought three movies today too. I'll be watching those over the course of this week. Good thing too because I noted some dvd sets of a show my brother loves and he really wants them and the store is having a great sale. Not a total loss.
So basically I also found some energy gum on clearance at CVS. Honestly it could be a crock but even if it's a placebo effect, I might start exercising again. God knows I need to. Put a dent in my calorie balance. Give me some time to focus and act and lip-synch and all those things I love to do. When I woke up I was 143.6, so I think I could weigh 142 by Wednesday. Some of my water weight is 'monthly', I think it'll be easy to flush out. I also want to walk down to the park and play on the swings and feed the ducks and get some sun exposure. People tell me I'm too pale and I love the smell of my kid's sunscreen. And on that note, I'm gonna go watch a movie and finish my third glass of green tea today...
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 June 2009 10:29 pm |
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| Today was sort of a fresh start. I logged all my foods back onto a website so I can just click and it'll do the math for me. I put exercise clothes in my car. I put a healthy snack in my purse. Generally, I just feel happier about being healthier. I haven't exercised today, that's true, and I worked two hours less than usual so that's a few less 'run of the mill' (no pun intended) calories burned. I really wish I had a big group of friends that always wanted to go out and run around. Well, I use that term in the 'drive around town' or 'do errands' sense but the other kind would be nice too. Maybe if I lived near the Y I would get a membership and go daily and find something active to do. Or I could start walking down to the park every day and playing on the swings to give me something to look forward to. Being outdoors does help my mood immensely. I'd like to go back to weight training to strengthen my arms too...work is just easier when you can lift more stuff all at once. I think I'll start tonight because my post-work shower was so early that I'll need another before bed anyway.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 June 2009 03:48 am |
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Soooo freaking faaaat. Sick of it. I hate how I look. I can't believe I go around looking like this. Makes me sick to my stomach. I bought new pants that I knew were an unflattering color but I thought "who honestly cares?" but then I took pics at home and...well, I must have rose-tinted glasses in lasik form because the view from my eyes is just fine. But the camera is a harsh mistress.
http://img93.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=newpantsfront.jpg
Sigh. In other news, today was the third day this week I didn't binge. My calories are around 1,450. One day it was 1,080 but I was sick. So I guess this is my life now. 1,400 calories. Maybe I'll work out when mom goes yard saling tomorrow morning...
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 7 June 2009 05:13 am |
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I've been trying hard to commit to a more active lifestyle (walking around the store a lot instead of sitting at home, some scheduled workouts) and a 1,400 calorie diet but I binged tonight. I forget why. Anyway I've had my green tea now and I put every single calorie into my logger and the total is like 2,340. Yikes, eh? But I did burn off about 780 today PLUS whatever I burned jumping on a trampoline. I don't know how long we were out there but we were exhausted. And instead of being horrible to myself I'm going to use my usual technique of writing messages on my desk. This time I put "undo yesterday" instead of "way to go, #%@&!-up" which should help me feel more optimistic and less intimidated. Other things I might write are "improve yesterday" if I was close but no cigar, or "repeat yesterday" if it was perfect. Yeahhhh, I'll do that.
Oh, and my freaking stepdad lost another 4 pounds this week. He went from 260 to 210 since January. Oh, how jealous I am of him.
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zenobia
Moderator
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Posted: 7 June 2009 08:57 am |
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bah. they don't look nearly as bad as you think. and the camera adds 10 lbs, right?
hey, you know i've wanted to ask you for a while. have you had much experience writing? have you ever considered doing something with wrting? i think you've got this really great voice when you write and i bet you could really do something with it... just a thought...
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 9 June 2009 09:46 pm |
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| Oh my good god. I found an old xanga I had from 2005 when I was really bulimic and the sad thing is, I'm not much bigger than I was then. The past few years I've been looking back like "oh my god I wish I could be that small again" well the fact is, I only have to lose an inch in my thighs and two inches off my jeans waistline to be that size again. Ha! I did grow two inches in height since then which I'll pretend accounts for the extra 7 pounds in general. I feel so relieved. I think I'll save that entry somewhere when I need motivation to work out or put down the cookie. "Just a couple inches" sounds a lot better than "lose 14 pounds NOW, you pile of #%@&!!" Of course I'd still like to lose those 14 pounds....It'll happen eventually. I don't know whether I'll feel like working out tonight but I will in the morning since I don't work and won't worry about being tired.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 12 June 2009 12:39 am |
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A little before noon I got on the scale and it said 141.6, which made me so ecstatic. I just laughed and danced. Then I weighed myself again later (I won't do it again!) and it was 141.2 so I know it wasn't just water weight. I did my 90 minutes of cardio, so I'm all set. I just have to have a healthy, filling dinner tonight to seal the deal. I made the world's greatest sliced potatoes last night. At first I thought they were terrible and almost pitched them in favor of dairy queen but I let them sit a while and they crisped right up. 375, 18 minutes, let sit for 5, voila. Perfect. I think I'll do that again tonight because we have so many potatoes and I've got a lot of calories left. I was craving bananas and blackberries today so I went to the store and got strawberries, bananas, romaine salad, and some fresh chicken which I normally shun due to the price. But I did the math and it's LESS than HALF the cost of frozen, pre-cooked chicken breast (/shaped patties). So fresh it is. I've got it all divided and I plan on having some tonight.
Yesterday I did have 1,610 calories. My dvd I rented and was so excited about started skipping so I got mad and had to find a new way to spend my free time, which is normally food. But instead I just had FOUR cookies instead of all 12 in the package. 1,610 calories is much better than 2,200 which is my average for binge days and it did pay off. Back to work tomorrow which means a lot of bustling around burning calories and possibly one less unpleasant coworker. We shall see.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 June 2009 02:13 am |
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I weighed myself at 9:08 pm on Sunday, June 28th and the scale shocked me.
One hundred and forty nine pounds.
You do know that's one pound away from 150, right? Half of three hundred? Three quarters of the way to 200?
So I'm back on the healthy eating express. I've been letting myself eat whatever I want, whenever I want, in any quantity I want, for several weeks now. So I think the novelty has worn off by now. It's business time. I haven't seen my friend for over 17 months and I don't want to get a horrible reaction when we hang out Thursday. Well by now that's inevitable but GOD how did it come to this? I did take pictures this afternoon before we went out to eat. It has finally happened.
http://img200.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=img3590h.jpg
My thighs are bigger than my #%@&!. That is some serious deformity. I think I'll have a ton of coffee tonight. Some of this HAS to be water weight. I do feel slightly crampy.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 July 2009 02:05 am |
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New bikinis. Hopefully these will motivate me. They're adorable and they were $2 each!
http://img132.imageshack.us/gal.php?g=birdsi.jpg
I don't know how clear it is to the untrained eye but the white one has flying seagulls on it. I saw it and HAD to have it. And the lightning bolt one was one I'd seen at Target right before this store and they wanted $7.48 for the separates. Ha!
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 July 2009 09:50 pm |
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| Okay. I gotta hustle. No more excuses of "if I start now, I won't even be skinny at the end of summer" because let's face it, every season is a good time to be thin. When it gets cold enough to wear jeans, I want cute ones. When it's hoodie time, you'd better believe I don't want an X or and L on that size tag. I wrote out all my calisthenics/weight training moves because I keep losing my old ones, it seems. I practiced on the Ab Lounger today while I was in the basement (my mom got it for $20!). It's so confusing, I don't feel anything. I don't really know what I'm doing I guess. I'd kill for a Bun & Thigh Roller. I think I'll blog myself senseless when I'm in a snacking mood. I had two bumbleberry blossoms (don't ask...) for 740 calories total but other than that, healthy food. Dinner will be a healthy choice I think they're discontinuing soon. I haven't tried running up and down the road yet, I really should. I'm just hesitating about all this, and I have no idea why.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 18 July 2009 06:14 pm |
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| I suppose it's update time. I ordered a Slim In 6 package but my prepaid card got denied so in reality I have nothing waiting for me in the postal service. I've been exercising a lot more. Last Friday was day one, I skipped Thursday, and the first six days of that kick were marked by a lack of binges. Well, that's a lie. One day I had a small one but my calories didn't go over my limit so I count it as a successful day. The Thursday I mentioned was binge city. And yesterday I had around 2,100 calories but I did exercise so it was only a half-failure. I exercised extra when I got up this morning so I should be okay. I'm hanging out with my sister this afternoon, though, and our first stop is the movie theater for Harry Potter. She planned to bring snacks in her purse (which, I admit, is much larger than it appears from the outside) but I'll probably have nothing like last time I went. Afterward is when I want fast food though because there are a few places right by the mall and because that's how I grew up, watch a movie without expensive popcorn and compensate by getting a happy meal on the way home. I'll fess up to cutting out seventeen junk food coupons today. Granola bars, pop tarts, frozen chicken nuggets, an Arby's coupon, a DQ coupon, snack mix, hershey bars, ben & jerry's...and then there are like six for Fiber Plus bars. I went from like 146 to 139 in five days but the second I binged my weight went back to 141. Not too bad, if I just control myself and exercise about an hour I lose a pound a day. I need to be more grateful for my so-called metabolism. I know for a fact it's just the lack of three pounds of fries and ketchup in my gut that makes the scale move so efficiently.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 4 August 2009 03:46 am |
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| So umm...I hit the big one on Saturday night. 150. As in, pounds. Anyway. I was really upset for like 12 hours then I got a hold of myself because some of it was temporary. There was Applebee's in my tummy (my first time ever there) and water retention. Now I'm back to 145.4 and much happier. Yesterday and today I did an hour of various cycling and I plan on keeping it up. My mom let slip that it's really cheap to go to Myrtle Beach in October and that's what my aunt does with her boys sometimes so it just might happen. But I won't mind if it doesn't, we need to save up for San Diego next year when my stepdad goes to his Vietnam unit reunion and we get to go to the zoo and stuff. Either way, I need to lose the weight whether I have an event or not. I'm just chubby. And ahhhh hates it.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 18 August 2009 11:35 pm |
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Oh, I love updating. So much that I never do it! My mom let slip that she discussed going to the beach in October with my aunt who takes her boys there every year because it's cheaaaaap and DESERTED and still very warm and lovely. And I was like "I'm on board!" because the closest thing to a vacation I've ever been on is my dad's house in central Florida which is situated on a canal. I loved how it smelled there though, orange pollen and salt air. And oh, god, I love me some knicknacks in tourist shops! I could spend years in them. But the thing is, we're supposed to have a family vacation to San Diego next summer because that's where my stepdad's Vietnam unit (probably not the right term, technically) reunion is and he's really looking forward to it. And, well, money. Etc. I doubt we'll do both. But I don't even care, I just like the idea of it. I bought those two sweeeet bikinis and I'd love to just daydream about being on a beach for the first time in my life in one of those things. Favorably my seagull one, it's TEH ADORABLENESS. Plus, white makes everyone look tan without having all that UV damage. So I've set myself a goal of 130 pounds by October 1st which is 100% doable. I have to lose 0.295 pounds per day to achieve it and between you and me, I can drop 14 pounds effortlessly if I just don't binge and do 60 minutes of exercise. Not even cardio. An hour of recumbent biking at 23.5 mph has the same effect. So I'm excited to see what I can accomplish during this 44 day .... quest. I hate the word 'challenge'. I've got some sa-weet beach layouts on my private blog to stare at and about 15 new ones for my computer desktop. Something about having pretty things to look at just makes your blood pressure plummet, you know? Easier to focus on things and it really zaps your desire to binge. I've got 13 pounds to lose but this really is a sort of test to see just how much weight I can lose if I buckle down and try. Don't we all want to know that about ourselves?
Oh, dude, I saw an infomercial today (I was up at 8, what the heck?) for a workout program called Insanity and it lives up to its name. It was talking about how this nutty guy invented it and it's the toughest workout EVER to be put on DVD and I so believe them. He uses what I refer to as reverse intervals because I forget the real name so it's like PUSH for a long time with a tiny bit of rest in between instead of the other way around. People were on there talking about how they thought they were amazingly fit and how they were like dying during what the inventor introduces as the WARM-UP. I was daydreaming for a while about that but I realized I can't do anything while standing. I really can't. I can pedal a bike but I can't do like kickboxing and things, my heart just aches and begs for relief. Either way, I was kinda curious about it because those people got some freaking sexy bodies after only 60 days.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 23 August 2009 09:42 pm |
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I've been logging a lot more things on my diary because I was trying to buckle down for 44 days and make some changes in my life. Today and yesterday were failures, but still. I did four days perfectly before I hit that snag. I'm restarting. I think it was around 4 when I stopped eating bad food and so for the rest of the day it's back to healthy. I'll exercise later. I feel so cold and lonely today. It's cloudy and the week is starting over so parents are getting back to work and I'm also getting nervous because in 69 days I'm gonna be unemployed. Later today I'll shave my legs and give myself a pedicure. It helps for a bit. I'm also gonna do a full-body exfoliation because I need it basically and I like how my nightshirts feel on my fresh skin. Actually, I think my seasonal affective disorder is kicking in (I don't actually have it but it really, really dampens my mood anyway) because today was upper 60s, high of 72. I so loathe the cold months. I'm thinking of buying a new exercise bike with my next paycheck since I spent only a little bit of my current one, meaning it mostly went in the bank. The one I have now, the recumbent, is about 5 years old and it still works but it's a bit of a nuisance. It's worn down and sounds like a thumpy washing machine and the EKG handlebar hits my knees. It was only like $250 and that's what new ones are going for lately so I figure, why not? It might even make me all excited to exercise again. You know, I wish my upright had a lighted display. I like exercising in the dark but I can't see the screen.
I guess this was a whole lot of nothing, just checking in.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 21 September 2009 10:39 pm |
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| I'm so god#%@&!ed fat I just don't even want to try anymore.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 24 September 2009 02:11 am |
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I gave calorie-counting a try today. It's been a while. It's been like...since August 24th, anyway, since I ate 1,200 calories or less. I haven't exercised since September 2nd. Anyway! I'm gonna try to focus on health a little more. I was supposed to go to a WW meeting last night but the church it's held at was having some sort of benefit dinner instead so WW was cancelled. So I checked the website again and there's another location on Thursdays a couple miles down the road so I'm going there tomorrow evening. Today I had a healthy choice turkey dinner for breakfast with a banana. Then I had a fiber bar for an early afternoon snack. As I was pulling the bag of frozen french fries out of the freezer my dad pulled into the driveway so I went out and talked with him for around an hour before my brother and sister showed up...with lattes from River Road. Ahh they're so good. I googled and they said the average was 200 calories. That was around 3:30. Then at about 8 after my very short shift at work I got a (!!!) Dairy Queen chicken basket! Four-piece. No gravy. No dipping sauce. No drink. Standard butter oil on the toast. Oh, it was so good and hot. 1,040 calories of nummy trans fats. Now, if I'd gotten 5 chicken selects and a medium fry from mcd's it would be the exact same calories. And no trans fats. And...two dollars more expensive. Small fries and three pc chicken selects would be 630 calories and cost approx $4.50. Honestly, I need to do that from now on when I'm craving crunchy chicken and FRUH-FRIES! (Does anyone else use that term?)
So yeah. I had 1,770 calories today. That's a lot less than my usual binge-fest. So I'm semi-proud of myself. Enclosed is a picture of my outfit I was gonna wear to WW.
Attached Image (viewed 51 times):
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 29 September 2009 09:51 pm |
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All righty. I've exercised the past three days with the intention of 45 minutes of cardio before work and about 15 more before my evening shower along with weights. It hasn't gone 100% according to plan though. But hey, I'm still trying. Yesterday was the first say since like...August 24th that I didn't binge and my calories were around 1,200. I hope to keep the calories going, definitely, but today I've been too weak to exercise. I had a nutrigrain waffle and a snickerdoodle though, hoping I'll be able to exercise soon. Getting uninspired by the music I have. Well, I have a lot of great music I've put on to different playlists, but it's all like "relaxing" and "floating" and "summer" and "assorted R&B" which isn't A material for workouts. A lot of good music is set to be released...in late October : /
In other news, I went in today for my typing test at the job I had two years ago and I passed it with flying colors—even though I accidentally erased half of a page. Heh. So I get a formal interview in late October, early November. I thought the commute would be SOOO LONGGG (compared to what I'm used to) but it was really not that bad. It was almost 30 minutes exactly even with three red lights. And that's just the no-fuss way. My mom says she knows an easier way and she'll show me sometime this week. I wonder how much easier it could possibly be. I keep thinking I worked TWO months last time but I checked my old schedule emails and it says I was only there for five weeks. I have such a bad memory. Five weeks is nothing, I can totally suck it up for that long. I keep remembering like, three bad customers I had. The only bad part about that job is sometimes the computers are slow and it's hard to hear people without the volume adjuster that's only on some phones. I mean, come on. A week of paid training. Huge discounts. Free samples of tons of stuff. Paychecks (and hot popcorn!) every single Friday. Answer a question right during orientation and you get a $20 gift of your choice. It's a sweet gig. I think my bad associations with that place are mostly winter-related and the fact that it was my first job. It'll go a lot smoother this time. Plus, I earn threeeee times as much at this job compared to my current job.
My nose keeps hurting worse and worse. I smacked it against the doorframe when I was turning to leave a room :[ But it's not crooked, not swelling, not bruised, and BARELY bleeding internally. So it's all good.
Edit: My blood sugar crashed again when I was 5 minutes away from finishing part of my workout. I try to do a half-hour program on my upright bike and finish with some recumbent freecycling but I didn't get to do that today. I still burned some good calories so I'm accepting this as a trade-off. Instead of doing 45 minutes of exercise, I got to do 30 and take a leisurely shower before The Biggest Loser came on. I planned to exercise as close as I could and just sit there in a pool of my own sweat during the show because I couldn't get this done earlier today. If you think about it, I only burned about 120 less calories than I would have and I also reduced my chance of bacterial infections. I say it's worth it. Plus, think of the discomfort. Feeling gross for two hours. No way, José. I'm almost glad I made my family those muffins and snickerdoodles, they sure are coming in handy. The muffins are 186 calories and the snickerdoodles are 82. If I only eat ONE when I NEED the boost, I can still meet my calorie goals.
Last edited on 30 September 2009 01:59 am by AshIdiot
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 1 October 2009 01:01 am |
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No blood sugar problems today. Still not amazed?
I had a cherry coke zero while at work. No dizzy, no dehydration, no crash. Today was a 6 hour shift, too. Came home, watched one episode of the simpsons, then I did 70 minutes of exercise. Meant to do 75 but I counted wrong. I'm really curious about a couple more Walden Farms products, namely the barbecue sauce and italian dressing. I marinate chicken with italian dressing (or used to, years ago before my weight was an issue) and it really did make all the difference in the world. I'll have to check Kroger next time I'm out.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 2 October 2009 01:00 am |
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| I believe this is my sixth day working out and my third day not bingeing. One thing I realized today that really helps me is to make whole meals that are low in calories. Tonight is a grilled chicken patty from walmart (123), a low-fat nutrigrain waffle (70), a cup of mixed vegetables (90), 10 sprays of liquid parkay (10), and a can of diet decaf dr pepper (2 ish). Fills a plate and your stomach for just 295 calories. Last night it was a steamed pollock fillet (52), about 11 baby carrots (65), and a small baked potato (101) for 218 cals. Dessert was a diet vanilla latte (17) and a snickerdoodle (82). This is easier for me than snacking on one thing after another every hour or so because you don't look back and think "oh yeah, that totally made me feel warm and full and happy." I think my microwave steamer is my new best friend! Of course, it will always be second banana to my electronic food scale even though its batteries cost $4.00.
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 6 October 2009 01:00 am |
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Okay, here's my list of super-lame excuses.
Did not exercise today. I was laying in bed around 10:08 when one of my managers called and told me I was supposed to be working today. I thought I checked the schedule ten times a day but I must have missed it. Actually, I rewrote it today and some stuff did look different. Anyway. All caught up on that. I did eat healthy until about 5:30 when I came home from walmart with two candy bars (among other things of course). I planned to eat one and keep the other in my desk. Which I've done so far. But then I had cheerio snack mix and french toast sticks and a small pumpkin blizzard from DQ. Glad I didn't get the chicken basket after all. I have time to exercise before CSI Miami and I really should. I'll feel bad if I don't. It'll be my tenth day in a row working out. But of course the perfect eating has fallen by the wayside even before this evening. I weighed 141.2 this morning which was pretty fun. Of course, now it's ...... only 142.6! Whoooooo! Gonna stash that candy bar in the closet somewhere. I should go exercise. I'll pick out some music and see what happens. I have to shower tonight anyway. That's my number one motivator to exercise. How sad is that?
Also I've tried to be a more disciplined person lately. If I wake up early I want to get OUT of bed and take care of the animals, weigh myself, drink some water, etc instead of laying there for three more hours. Every time I think of a chore or a small task to do I write it down at the very least. I think I'll go work out. Sigghhhh. Hope the monitor doesn't restart, I want to keep track of my calories and distance since I started logging my weekly totals again. Here's last week's, to give you an idea:
Time: 6 hr, 52 mins (+337)
Distance: 154.83 mi (+127.43)
Calories burned: 3,898 (+3,260)
The numbers in parentheses are how they compare to the previous week. I guess when you tell yourself "I burn almost 4,000 calories per week" it makes you want to contribute, you know?
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AshIdiot
Distinguished Member
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Posted: 17 October 2009 04:38 am |
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I've got a list of six upcoming music releases and goal weights for each. I'm not allowed to buy or to listen to any of the songs until I weigh the designated amount. And there's even more incentive: the price of CDs nowadays goes up like $6 the day after its release. So I can save a lot of money AND be thinner AND be listening to brand-new music...if I focus. Here's my list:
139 Oct 23rd - Within Temptation, Utopia
138 Oct 27th - Taylor Swift, Fearless platinum
136 Nov 10th - Rob Zombie, Hellbilly Deluxe 2
135 Nov 23rd - Rihanna new album
134 Nov ??th - La-Ventura, nameless EP
133 Nov ??th - tATu, Waste Management
The question mark ones don't have official release dates yet and the last one might actually be released in December. But since they're so far off I have high expectations. I've got plenty of time in between each release to hit my goal weight. Of course, I weigh 145.8 right this second because of eating mindless #%@&! for the last like, six days. So I have 6 days to lose 6.8 pounds. Most of which is water weight, I am sure. I bet I'll weigh 143.4 when I wake up. This weekend is turkey and veggies, basically, since the turkey was on sale. That's good and healthy and quick leftovers. I'm gonna stay out of the apple pie. I'm gonna stay out of the barbecue chips. I'm gonna leave the ice cream in the deep freezer outside. I need to eat all the friggin fruit we bought. Half a peck of apples for $2.40, then my mom and I bought bananas on the same day like idiots. I'd like some grapes. Moist grapes, sitting in a sealed container in their own juices for a few hours. Ahhhh is there a better snack on this planet? (no) I also need to be a more active person. I'm thinking of riding my bike up and down the road a few times since it's a lot more physically-demanding than a stationary bike. After I get used to it I'll consider running it because it's 0.8 miles for a round trip. I have to keep reminding myself of that in case I ever get the urge to do it. I also have a lot of fish I could steam. And two big bags of mixed veggies I could boil. See, no excuses not to eat healthy. Nooooone, ashleyyyyyy.
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