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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
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| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 17 October 2008 04:22 pm |
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Cheers Straylight - I agree totally. I know so many people who are now doing the work of two if not more previous employees.
So... I think I must be getting my TMI. I had it when I started this diary five weeks ago, so I probably am getting PMT around now. The biggest clue?  THE UNFILLABLE HOLE (my stomach!) I'm not too irritable yet, but I am spotty. Plus, I got a stinlin rash on my chin. You can't see it, unless I look really closely on a mirror, then it looks like teeny tiny (size of pinhead) blisters. It's a tiny bit sore, and feels rough to touch. Plus, it's spreading. Arghhhhhh.
Yesterday I ended up at around 1800. That's okay for me, as my RMR is around 2050. It's still a deficit. I was going to have veggie chilli with courgettes, but I had a piece of toast with peanut butter and jam (delicious and filling!) then a tiny portion (50g) of penne with chilli, garlic, courgette and parmesan. It was delish.
Will probably not have a deficit today, as already at 1300 
One slice wholemeal toast with peanut butter and jam 180
One cup decaff 20
Left over pasta with courgette, garlic, chili and parmesan 400
One and a half slices wholemeal toast w/low fat spread 200
1/2 serving low fat veggie chili 150
One cup decaff 20
Snickers (well, I am PMT-ing) 300
Total so far... 1270
Not too worried about the snickers bar. Five weeks ago, that would be a whole multi pack of snickers.
Feel like I'm losing motivation though. Scale was up this morning by 1lb (possibly water weight) and bf up by nearly 0.5%. WTF? I've had a deficit everyday!???!
Also, my problem area - my stomach is the same size now as it was five weeks ago. I almost feel there's no sodding point in trying. I feel like I'm depriving myself everyday, my weight is going up, and my bf % is getting higher. Ooops, that sound like the PMT irritation kicking in. WHY WHY WHY is the scale not going down? Yesterday and today were bad, but before that I was stagnating too. Oh well. i am going to attribut it to water weight, and keep pushing forward.
As part of my must-work-to-pay-college drive, I am working in a friend's bar tonight. That is pretty good exercise, no?
Anyways, must keep on trying. Got 22lb to lose by april. Easy, surely?
Cheers,
DG
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MidgeH
Senior Member
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Posted: 17 October 2008 04:56 pm |
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DG I wouldn;t pay attention to your BF% at the moment. I assume your scale reads it and those kind of BF readings can be thrown way off by excess water in your system.
Look at it when TTOM is over.
Also, man, the eternal stomach problem. I think it's the mostly commonly lamented thing on these boards. I have found, with me, that I will have no changes for weeks and weeks and weeks, then suddenly it will give up an inch. But it seems bigger to me, like it's taken on a life of it's own! I figure it's me. so all you can do is try to have patience (which is sooo much harder than it sounds.)
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Straylight
New Member
| Joined: | 25 September 2008 |
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| Posts: | 870 |
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Posted: 18 October 2008 12:35 am |
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DG:
I am in the same boat as you. My freakin' scale went up this morning TOO and I have had a deficit for sure for the last four days, and it had been dropping and then suddenly it goes up. And the body fat percentage too. But the blood came today, and I am sure that is what was throwing it off. So I will be really happy to get a proper reading once my uterus is all cleaned out and I don't have everything thrown all bloody off! And I had PMS too yesterday and today, started thinking negatively. It happens. I try to be really conscious of it and then nip it in the bud.
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
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| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 19 October 2008 02:33 pm |
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Midge and Straylight: THANKYOU!!! I really needed to hear that. I am using my scale to monitor bf, and I will follow your advice and ignore it. Also, I get PMT a while before my TOM and I am very irregular - my weight fluctuates, gets really high, my body gets puffy. I weighed in today at 157.4 (a miracle - that's down from a couple of days ago, and I ATE the last two days. Not over my rmr (well, maybe a tiny bit over) but certainly nowhere near a deficit.
I think that will be my last weigh in for a few days. I am getting too influenced by the scale, and when it fluctuates by pounds on a daily basis, you end up going backward. I did a very physical job yesterday, where I was walking around, on my feet and carry heavy stuff, so that was pretty good exercise.
Also...I have a wedding to go to next May - my goal weight for then is 136lb, so I have a while. My aim is to lose 1.5lb a week. I think it's also quite helpful to stop really losing every once in a while, and maintain for a week.
Sorry, this post is all over the place. Scatty PMT hormones. I am always useless for a day. I will gather my thoughts and post properly tomorrow!
Thanks,
DG
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Straylight
New Member
| Joined: | 25 September 2008 |
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Posted: 19 October 2008 06:28 pm |
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I gotta tell you though, I get on the scale EVERY day, and even when I know I am bloated and ready to bleed or waterlogged or whatever, I still get on, I just HAVE to check. But you have to remember that your efforts sometimes take a while to catch up to you. May I remind you of the fateful day that my scale showed a 2-pound drop in ONE day after flucutating up and down and whatnot. So, while it is harder, and of course we'd all like to see the scale steadily drop daily, it just doesn't happen that way to anybody, well at least now to any menstruating chick--try to look at weekly and monthly losses, a bigger picture.
I am sure you will reach your 136 goal. Just keep plugging along and the scale will catch up with your efforts.
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
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| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 21 October 2008 11:29 pm |
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Hi,
I've been pretty bad the last couple of days - not posting. Also, my eating has been bad. My TOM has made me starving. I have to say though, after eating healthily for the last month, my PMT has been much better (emotionally) than usual. It will be interesting to see whether my improved diet has helped with the cramping.
So...as I said, my eating has been pretty bad. In a way though, it's not really freaked me out. I've been eating pretty much what I wanted, but usually, when I'm not dieting, I'm stuffing my face, whereas here, there is some control. I wanted a chocolate bar, so I had one, but didn't eat it all. There's less of the mindless binging, which is definitely an improvement.
However...my careful, controlled eating plan must be re-implimented if I'm to lose the weight. Despite money worries, after going to power plate last week, and loving it, I am going to book a course of ten. i will cut back on other things, so it's not reckless spending. Also, I really really can't afford the gym, so walking is definitely a good option, but I am going to buy a workout DVD - not the best, but I am kind of twitching to do some cardio. I will probably also buy a swimming costume and go swimming. Again though, this is quite expensive around here. I've said these things before, but I will do them now - I really don't want April to roll around, and me to look #%@&! and more importantly, feel uncomfortable.
Probably won't weigh in on Monday - as it will still be TOM, I don't want to get disheartened with a fake reading. I have had five weigh ins so far, and am 10lbs down, so that's good going.
Tomorrow I will get back on the wagon! I will start the day with no added sugar muesli and soya milk. Lunch will be low fat home made chilli with courgettes with chilli, garlic and lemon and corn pasta. Snacks will be yoghurt and fruit. Dinner will be roast chicken with broccoli and carrots.
I am using my Jamie Oliver cook book to find nice ways to cook veg, just making the recipes healthier cutting out the butter and reducing the olive oil.
Anyway, enough talk for now...action needed now! Onwards and downwards.
Cheers,
DG
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
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| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 22 October 2008 08:56 pm |
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G'Night,
Today I was back on the wagon! I've been pretty hungry, as it's I'm on the cusp of PMT/TOM, but I've eaten okay.
No added sugar muesli w/ soya milk. Cup of decaff 250
Yoghurt (one that helps digestion) 120
Two taco shells with low fat quorn and tomato filling 300
Two slices toast (white!) with no added sugar jam and PB 300
Two granny smith apples 130
That's 1100 so far. I will have a quorn chicken fillet with veg in a bit (160) then something a yoghurt after, if I get hungry (120). That means my total for the day will be just under 1400. As I have been eating a lot the past few days, I am pretty happy with that.
Could eat more, but am trying to get used to smaller portions again.
Cheers,
DG
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
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Posted: 23 October 2008 02:21 pm |
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Hellloooooo...
I've said it before, and I'll say it again - CPH is a lifesaver. I know for sure that if I wasn't journalling, last night I would've just eaten until I exploded. I felt really hungry, but I stuck it out, drank some water, stuck to the plan, and felt alright.
So far today I've had:
1 small no fat soya latte 60
1 apple 60
1 cup redbush tea w/soya milk 20
1 serving pukkola* 300
*pukkola is a Jamie Oliver recipe that I've modified. His version is dry rolled oats, lots of dried fruits, grated apple, full fat milk and banana and honey. My version is no added sugar muesli, half a grated apple and soya milk. You weigh out muesli, put some milk in, grate in the apple, leave in the fridge for a while, take out, stir, add more milk, eat. Delicious! Also, pretty good fibre, protein and sugar content.
So, my plan is to have make a stirfry (total cals 500) and have half, then walk to the library and back (total: one hour's fast walking) have the rest, then have homemade low fat chilli with veg for dinner.
The chilli has about 200 cals per serving, plus 100 cals of veg (will probably have some high cal sweet corn as something green - will buy something while I'm at the library). That will take me upto 1300, so I will have a yoghurt, and leave it at that.
I am going to stick to about 1400 this week, until my "cheat" day (2050) next monday.
Will update later...
DG
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Straylight
New Member
| Joined: | 25 September 2008 |
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| Posts: | 870 |
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Posted: 23 October 2008 02:40 pm |
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Looks like you're doing a good job being back on track! That is really good too that you GOT back on track, and didn't get "the f.uck-its" as my friend Angelica would say. That's what happens a lot when you're trying to get fit, you mess up, you say f.uck it and then you ruin yourself and all your efforts, so that's great that you just got up, brushed yourself off, and got back on track. That's great! That's what it's all about!
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desperategirl
New Member
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| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 23 October 2008 06:34 pm |
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Cheers Straylight - not getting the f.uck its is definitely my biggest NSV ever.
My appetite today is HUGE. I'm having one of those days where you're hungry even after you eat. Literally. Pretty much as soon as I finished breakfast I was jonesing for lunch, then lunch never really satisfied. After the library, I had to go to the supermarket to get veg to go with my chilli (sweet potato and asparagus) and I was feeling nearly dizzy from the hunger! I just bought what I needed, then found some wicked hot chocolate satchets - Options white chocolate and raspberry, only 35 cals - then walked home. Ate the rest of my stirfry, drank a hot choc, and STILL HUNGRY.
I'm not sure if I should jusr endure the hunger and assume that I'll be normal tomorrow, or if I should eat more? I'm just starting TOM, so maybe I need a bit more? I don't know.
Anyway, I've spent ages on here today - it's the perfect antidote to overeating.
Thanks,
DG
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desperategirl
New Member
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| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 24 October 2008 08:25 pm |
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First really bad day of TOM. Feel like s.h.i.t. Spent most of the day in bed, with unbearable cramps and now I am very very grumpy.
On the plus side my boyf was amazing and made me loads of hot water bottles, gave me loads o' hugs and brought me food. I wanted chips, which I have had a craving for for days. We shared a portion, so I killed the craving, and kept within my calories. Feel starving now, but can't really be bothered with food.
Am torn between wanting to go for a walk, and feeling totally zonked from the pain meds (ibuprofen and co-codamol - i really do suffer during TOM, and it might be symtomatic of another underlying condition).
So...calories right now are at around 1400.
I might just go for a ten minute stroll, then go to bad. I'm lonely now (boyf went to work) and have a looong day at work tomorrow.
Bleurgghhh. Sorry for being a grumpy cow.
Grrrrrrrrr.
DG
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Straylight
New Member
| Joined: | 25 September 2008 |
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| Posts: | 870 |
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Posted: 25 October 2008 12:48 am |
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Awww, I am sorry. The bleeding times SUCK! I am so envious of women who are like
oh i hardly even notice when I have a period
i think
WOW!
they have it made in the shade!
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
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| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 26 October 2008 10:56 pm |
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hmmm...i know the types who "barely even notice" when they have a period. grrrrrrrrrrr Still got some menstrual rage. Did well on calories today - not the best food choices, but was working all day and had to eat what I could get at work:
No added sugar muesli with semi-skimmed milk
quarter of a small decaff soya latte
two small slices white toast w small amount butter
open sandwich (with loads of veg and some mozarella) and chips (didn't eat all)
four spoons of ice cream (just wanted a taste...mmmmm)
two glasses diet coke (bad!)
two small decaffs (splash of semi-skimmed milk)
I calculate all this to just under 1600. I was also on feet and pretty active - so there's some deficit.
Yesterday wasn't so good - I was really disciplined all day, then got home, crumpled up in a TOM in agony and tears heap on the sofa and was starving. My boyf saved me by getting the duvet, hot water bottles, pizza and ice cream.
On the plus side - we shared the pizza (I used to easily eat one alone) and I had a serving of ice cream, rather than the whole tub. Also, I stuck to water instead of pop with the pizza. Not great, but I am a when I have my TOM. I would usually be twice as bad everyday. This TOM I'm not doing particularly well, but I should come out without a gain. I just feel like I spend pretty much every waking second fighting the urge to eat fat and sugar riddled food. It's really feeling like a battle this time. There are the cravings, and there's also a real physical hunger. Maybe next TOM I will up calories to 1800, and see if it's easier to keep to that, rather than try and stay lower and fail. I also get this weird dizzyness and lightheaded feeling. I'm anaemic, so it could be to do with that. I feel pretty shocking for a few days.
To make up for it, I will count yesterday as my cheat day. Tuesday will be my weigh in day.
To be honest, with buying a new scale which weighed a lot higher than my old one, and the lapses I had during my period, I'm not really sure where stand weight loss wise. I'm guessing I started at 168. This week will be my 6th weigh in, so I'd like to be, maximum at around 158. I seem to be struggling this last week, where even though I plateaued before, I was sticking to the plan. I feel that the lapses I had have veered me off course, and it's like starting again.
Mainly, I feel like a lunatic. I can't wait til the period is gone, and I'm human again. Sorry to keep complaing/going on about it, it just seems to affect me really badly. Does anyone else turn into the cookie monster and burst into tears for literally no reason?
Am I the only nutter?
Cheers,
DG
P.S. How did I cope without CPH?
Also...just read back over my diary...I was 157.4 last week. I weighed in at 159 this morning. I'm putting ON weight? I guess it's from the TOM bing of yesterday and the beginning of the week. Also, the water weight.
I feel like such a failure. I hate having to come on here and say that, once again, I failed to control myself and gorged on unhealthy food.
Why is so much of my self worth tied up with what I eat? Why is so much of my life spent obssessing about food?Last edited on 26 October 2008 11:06 pm by desperategirl
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Straylight
New Member
| Joined: | 25 September 2008 |
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| Posts: | 870 |
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Posted: 26 October 2008 11:43 pm |
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Join the club girl, I think everyone on here feels bad when they binge and everyone can agree it totally fracking sucks to see higher numbers on the scale. What you have to keep in mind though is the bigger picture, a binge here and there won't matter in the long run, what matters is that you start over again, eat healthy again and remind yourself that
okay
i started off at 168
and now I weigh considerably less than that
I mean, of COURSE we would all like to see the scale numbers drop steadily on a daily basis, but I don't even know if the human body works like that, weight can fluctuate up to 4 pounds even in a day I think I've heard AND if you are a chick, your cycle will throw off your weight every month as your uterus gets more and more full and you retain more and more water before the big monthly blowout. So, as long as you stay down AROUND the higher 150s or low 160s and don't climb back up to 168, you are making progress, and you messed up a little yes, but that's okay, it's not like you put back on all the weight you've worked so hard to lose, you are still fine, not perfect, but still fine, still in the game, and still going.
And trust me, my bleeding just stopped a few days ago and trust me the bleeding time and the pre-bleeding time throws off the scale AND the body fat percentage. I still can't resist the temptation to weigh myself daily even during these times, but I have to remind myself that the numbers aren't necessarily that accurate and to not get all mad if they are higher than I want.
And yes, periods suck ANYWAY, I always get at least a LITTLE irritable and more easily sad before the bleeding comes and then of course the bleeding does come and I get superbad cramps and get lethargic. But oh well...
For encouragement, let me just tell you that on the last day of my period, I weighed 152 with a body fat percentage of 32.2% and then just five days later, I weighed 148.6 with a body fat percentage of 31.3%, so your cycle really throws it off a LOT.
How long does the bleeding last for you usually? Mine is five days, with the fifth day being pretty light, but still a little bit of spotting or whatever.
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
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| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 28 October 2008 12:49 pm |
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yet again, thank you straylight, for keeping me sane. I love your posts and your diary. you have a really youthful spirit, but the wisdom of an old soul.
Weighed in this morning at 157.2, which is ok, but I weighed in yesterday morning at 156 - ate 1300 calories, and did a short aerobic DVD, so wasn't really expecting a gain. However, like straylight said, i started at 168, i now weigh considerably less like that, and i'm doing the right things. i still haven't totally finished TOM yet, and, erm, i haven't been that regular (sorry TMI!) so I will take that weigh in with a pinch of salt.
Will report back later, gotta shoot off...
DG
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desperategirl
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| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
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Posted: 28 October 2008 06:26 pm |
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Hello once more...I have time to write before going to my next job (sigh, trying to save lots of money for school fees while the economy crumbles around our ears...)
So, Hail humble porridge! I made porridge this morning with peanut butter and agarve syrup, with only a splash of milk. I used 50g, as instructed by the packet, but didn't eat anywhere near all of it. I added lots of water, to make it grow but not add calories, then a splash of semi-skimmed at the end to taste. I do not recommend the peanut butter. Maybe with cocoa powder, so it was choc-peanut porridge, but it wasn't that good. Next time I will have it plain, with just agarve syrup. I have to say though, perhaps it was the added fats and protein of the peanut butter that kept me full for four hours - that is unusual for me. I'm usually hungry after 1 - 2hours. Also, I didn't have time to snack before then, so it was nice to not have any hunger pangs.
For lunch, I had a wrap. I found these wholemeal wraps with only 86 calories. Also, I eat quorn chicken slices, which is vegetarian chicken slices. Four big slices is nearly 10g protein and only 54 calories - really tasty. I'm not vege, but I can't afford to buy good organic free range meat at the moment, so I have vege versions which are cheaper - processed, I guess, but good for my budget. Low cal and high protein too.
So...my calories at the moment are:
Bowl porridge with peanut butter and agarve syrup. Cup of decaff 300
Wrap with quorn, lettuce, very low fat cream cheese 180
Cup of decaff 20
One spoon ice cream 50
Total calories of 550. I don't feel hungry either, although I should eat something in the next hour. It's quarter past five, and I will get dinner at work at around 9pm. I guess I'll have grilled chicken with salad and a wrap, around 375. That's a grand total of 925, so I guess I'll have something quite decent before I go. Maybe a food doctor bagel or something.
Does anyone else really dither over their food choices. like you so desperately want to choose exactly what food you want, as once you've eaten it, the calories are gone?
Cheers for listening...I've been going crazy these last few days, but hopefully that will subside now...
DG
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Straylight
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| Joined: | 25 September 2008 |
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Posted: 28 October 2008 10:47 pm |
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i don't think i have ever known anyone that actually ate porridge! That's so cute!
Thank you for your compliment, it was a very nice one. A youthful spirit with an old soul's wisdom, that's pretty perfect if you ask me, a nice way to describe anyone really. I guess that's what I am always going for.
I dither over my calories too, I bet most people on here do. I am always calculating and running numbers as far as eating goes.
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desperategirl
New Member
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Posted: 31 October 2008 05:20 pm |
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Porridge rocks!
I might try making it with low fat coconut milk later. I might also try throwing some seeds or nuts in there to add protein. It's the best! And the weather in england right now is so s@£$ and freezing, so a nice warm bowl of porridge is perfect.
Weighed in today at 155.6 - which is cool - by far the lowest weight I've been at since I started this thing. I think my next mini goal is to be at 150lb by December 1st. My calories have been around 1400 for the past couple of days. I've been too busy to post (with my many many jobs to save for my post grad degree!) and I've been having withdrawal.
Had a great NSV yesterday. When I was a kid, me and my best mate used to eat this awesome candy, then the shop stopped selling it, and we could never find it again, but often mourned its passing. Yesterday, I found it in a shop! I bought a load for my friend, then ate...four pieces! For a second I thought, "shove this, I'm eating," started to eat a piece, then thought, "No. I want to do it this time. Not only lose the weight, but stop the unhealthy habits." And I stopped. My calorie count yesterday was good - 1400, there was more sugar in there I would have liked, but it was good to have the control to stop.
Today I am abstaining. Although I count calories, rather than just have 1500 calories of chocolate or whatever, I try and get the best and most mileage out of every calorie - how much will it fill me up? It is unrefined? Is there good protein etc? It makes my diet to stay heathier - although there is some processed rubbish in there, like low cal hot chocolate, those little treats keep me sane. I think eventually I will try and cut out all sweeteners, and a lot of refined sugar and white carbs. I live and die for pasta though - I guess that's why (in a perverse way) I don't eat a lot at the moment - it's too hard to only eat a small portion. Too much is never enough!
Other stuff. I hope I don't sound like a harridan or a b£$%h but I was wondering if anyone else noticed the same thing...I have been going out with my boyfriend for about three years. We live together, and have planned, at some point (I'm in no rush) to get married. I have never cheated on anyone, and never plan to, but recently, I have been noticing other dudes! Is that normal??? I mean, I know after a while things change, relationships progress, and it doesn't stay how it was at the beginning forever. But seriously, I love the man, he's great and everything, but I feel attracted to someone else. I won't make a move - I don't want a relationship with them. A sick part of me would kind of like it if they were attracted to me too, but why do I feel like this? As I said, I'm not going to do anything about it, and it will pass, but does everyone in long term relationships get attracted to other people? I feel like a terrible human being!!!
I'm happy about the weight loss though...but since I ate so much last saturday, I didn't have a cheat day, and now I'm kind of nervous to, incase the scale shoots up.
DG
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Straylight
New Member
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Posted: 31 October 2008 07:11 pm |
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I hear you on having it be all or nothing when it comes to food. I only have one cheat day a week, and on that day, I eat whatever on god's green earth I want, no matter what it is. And I eat as much of it as I want.
BUT
on the other 6 days of the week, I am a complete food nazi, I do not have any white carbs at ALL, nothing cereal based or grain based at all, no sugar besides fruit and honey or dark chocolate with a high cacao content (super bitter) and I do not "treat" myself with cheat foods EVER during the week. Because I don't want a #%@&! itsy bitsy piece of pizza, I want like 7 slices, so I just save it for Sundays.
And honestly, cutting out white carbs isn't as hard as you might think. I did not think I would find it as easy as I have and TRUST me woman, I was the white carb QUEEN! I mean, I absolutely adore cereal, pizza, pasta, burgers, fries, shakes, tacos, burritos, nachos, and on and on. But I was able to cut them out with pretty much no problem. I don't have cravings AND
here is a helpful hint
IF you are eating carbs, but it has at least 1.5g fiber per 10g total carbs, you are in good shape--so when I want a treat like nachos, I do not buy regular corn chips or tortilla chips, I go to Trader Joe's and buy their soy flaxseed chips which have a superhigh fiber content, and it's GREAT! Or like if I want to munch on chips, I buy beet chips or vegetable chips, again superhigh fiber content. There is PROBABLY pasta that you can get that has superhigh fiber content, just read the labels carefully go to speciality markets that sell healthier foods. Make sure you actually read the backs of the items where all the nutrition info is, because they will put all kinds of stuff on the front just to sell it to you. Like, Lucky Charms has "whole grain" on it so parents will buy it for their kids, but that cereal is full of HFCS and other disgusting chemical preservatives. And in order for something to be called "whole grain" it only has to have a very, very, very small percentage of whole grain in it, not enough to matter, but enough to make you THINK you are getting something healthy when you aren't, you know what I mean?
As for being attracted to other people, I think this is normal and natural. It is ridculous to think that we will never find ourselves attracted to people just because we are in a relationship with someone else. I mean, if you find yourself really falling in love with someone else to the point where you consider leaving your partner, well, that happens too, and even that doesn't make you a horrible person, that's just life sometimes, although I do believe in sticking out your commitments, especially if you take a marriage vow (don't get me started on marriage vows, but seriously, a promise is a promise and you shouldn't stand up there and say forever unless you freaking mean forever and how is that even predictable, so I would never do it myself, but anyway....) it doesn't even sound like it's at the point where you are in love with this other dude, he just sorta excites you and you think he's hot and that's normal and there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you a horrible person to have those feelings.
But SINCE you have no intention of leaving your partner, I would suggest trying to really not indulge in too many fantasies about this other guy or engage in any contact with him unless you want to play with fire and possibly end up losing your partner. Because I have seen it happen too many times where people have tried to just "be buddies" or "be friends" with someone they are attracted to, and have little "innocent" encounters where you just meet up and don't engage in anything sexual, but things have a way of evolving and why bother starting something you have no intention of finishing, you know what I mean? Coffee dates and phone calls can easily turn into a kiss here or there, a "platonic" sleepover with no sex but some cuddling instead or whatever, blah blah. You don't want to do that type of stuff unless you think losing your partner would be worth pursuing this new guy. And from what you've said, it sounds like you love your partner and don't want to start a romantic relationship with a new person. And I am sure you wouldn't want your partner engaging in contact with a woman he felt attracted to, even if they were "just friends."
So, I would say, just acknowledge the attraction, but just know that you don't want to pursue anything nor will you indulge in constant fantasizing about this dude. Because you know what you want for yourself, and that's a continuing relationship with your current partner.
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 1 November 2008 09:05 pm |
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hello there...
thanks for your post straylight. i guess you make a decision to be monogamous, and that's what you have to do. those moments wher your head is turned by other dudes are just that: moments. there's always something that happens that makes you realize when someone is a keeper. sorry to be so mushy. i guess love just grows beyond being excited at the way someone looks, or any of that kind of stuff, and the greatest thing of all is that knowledge that someone is your true friend, the one person you can trust, and the one person you can always rely on.
anyways... i just say all this cause i was talking to a friend, about a mutual friend of ours who kind of bad mouthed me cause she thought i was #%@&! off with her because i hadn't been in touch. well, i suppose i wasn't really #%@&! off - she did some pretty bad stuff, and rather than get annoyed, i just felt, regretfully, that we have probably outgrown the friendship. the thing is, i feel annoyed cause the s£$% she said isn't true. she seems to think i'm trying to single handedly destroy someone's career, and get them blacklisted at a theatre, for no good reason. not true. a theatre told me the guy was already blacklisted, then, when they asked me for a reference, i truthfully told them that his time keeping was terrible and he didn't really put enough work learning his lines (didn't even have that many). Also, they wanted to know how much time i needed to spend with him, and again, i was honest - he needed a lot of attention. now she's like, "oh, she just doesn't have the experience to know that actors all do those things, and now have probably ruined his career bla bla bla." well, actually, good actors, are very punctual, learn their lines etc. when i used to work in tv, there was one actor who was always late, and was subsequently written out of the show. being on time is also about having respect for other people - if you're always late, it means you really don't give a f$%^ about the people you're keeping waiting. anyway, i know what she's saying is untrue, but it's still annoying me. in all truth, she is quite inexperienced, and certainly won't work much professionally if she thinks it's normal to turn up late.
it's really annoying me though. the mutual friend thinks she's talking hot air as she's annoyed that i don't think she's great (she has a weird giant ego).
anyways...food today:
Porridge and decaff 250
2 cups decaff 20
baked beans 130
slice of toast (no butter) 120
2 rashers bacon 100
3/4 of a sausage 100
some mushrooms 30
chewy sweet 50
Total so far 800
DG
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Straylight
New Member
| Joined: | 25 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 870 |
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Posted: 1 November 2008 09:56 pm |
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I am sorry your "friend: is being a b.itch to you--what are you supposed to do, lie about this guy and say he's great when he's not? In the end we all have to do what we think is right, and that is what you thought was right, being honest about this guy's poor punctuality, poor ability to learn his lines, etc. I doubt you "ruined" his career. Your "friend" is just mad and she will either get over it or she won't!
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 1 November 2008 10:43 pm |
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so true...i think she's just sticking up for him because he showed so much interest in her. it's sad though - she's so desperate for attention, you see her do things like laugh really loudly for no reason, then look around to check if people are looking at her. and he's this old guy (about 65 - but NOT a sweet old man, a real jerk) that she was really flirting with. it's not an appealing quality.
Well, I finished off my food with a yummy meal - low fat, low cal fish and chips with peas...and a mug of builder's tea of course (no sugar though, eurghhh).
oven baked fish 204
oven baked chips 238
peas 62 (yes, I weigh my peas. how sad am i?)
tea 20
TOTAL FOR DAY 1324
I need to go back to incorporating more veg and less stodge in my diet. that was yummy and satisying though. My cals this week have generally been under 1400, so I might have a cheat day next week, just to rev the old metabolism.
Cheers for the post straylight. it made me feel better. actually, i'm not even angry anymore - i just think she's being a loser.
G'night (got to be at work at five thirty in the morning tomorrow. yikes!)
DG
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 2 November 2008 08:50 pm |
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hiya,
today was...CHEAT DAY!!!!! Yay! Weighed in this morning at 155.6 (a total loss of 12.4lb in seven weeks) and then ate whatever I wanted.
Well...actually, I started off the same as usual, with porridge. That's fast becoming a good habit. Then I had crisps, chewy sweets, shared a chocolate bar with my bf, made chorizo frito al vino and had french stick with it. Could eat some more chocolate, but don't have any, and don't fancy going out to buy any. Stocked up on healthy stuff to make for my sandwiches tomorrow. Gotta do a foundation course for my MA (the MA doesn't start until january) that is two weeks from tomorrow. it's pretty long days - about 10 hours, plus a commute an hour and a half each day. I will have a hefty serving of porridge in the morning, then take two wraps (only 86 cals in wrap, so can fill with high protein filling stuff) with ice berg, quorn chicken and extra low fat cream cheese. Also an apple and probably some baked crisps (only 99 cals!) Might need to buy more snack stuff, but i will guage that on how i feel tomorrow.
Just weighed in at 157, so hopefully by tomorrow morning won't have put on too much from cheat day.
Am knackered. was up at four this morning to do an extra early morning shift for yet another merchandising company (so much money to save! so many random jobs to save up!) then spent the day studying for tomorrow and doing assignments. It's not even nine yet, but i'm gonna hit the hay pretty soon.
i'm still pretty #%@&! off about that thing with the "friend." I'm not upset, I don't really care about her per se, I am just annoyed, because the things she's saying are patently untrue and that's annoying.
Oh well...at least the scales are moving in the right direction.
DG
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 4 November 2008 09:31 pm |
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bonjouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur,
i'm in a pretty good mood. so far my course is AWESOME and it really seems like it's going to help my career.
After my cheat day, weighed in at 155.8lb, so only a 0.2lb gain. wicked.
Yesterday I ate 1375 cals.
Food so far today has been:
Porridge and decaff 250
2 x wraps 390
2 x apples 100
baked crisps and decaff 120
diet lemonade 15
porridge 300
TOTAL 1175
DG
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 8 November 2008 09:33 pm |
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haven't been able to post for a couple of days...couldn't get onto the site, wasn't sure whether there were sute problems or whether it was my computer.
Anyways, so far this week, my weight has been fluctating a bit in the mornings, but it hasn't really bothered me, as i have been having a deficit everyday, so if my weight goes up, it's just fluid or something. my lowest weight was 155lb one morning. weighed in this evening at 155lb, then ate dinner, then out of interest weighed myself after dinner...156.4lb! Obviously i haven't eaten enough calories to put on that weight, so it's interesting to see how much your weight can fluctuate after a meal or drink.
Had a good deficit this week, as far as i can remember, including today it works out at 3610 (rougly, without journalling here, I don't even remember exactly what I ate) also, I had a pretty labour intense couple of days, so probably burned quite a bit at work. So, hopefully, by tomorrow, I should, in theory weigh in at 154.6lb. Who knows though? I will be gutted if it's not at least a teeny bit under 155lb.
other news...there was loads of excitement in england when obama was elected. it's cool! it's really interesting looking at maps of america with the republic and democrat areas highlighted. to those outside US, it's a pretty interesting country: so vast and so variable. you see some places in the deep south, and the ideas seem archaic. it's hard to believe that all these wildly varying places ideals ideas and beliefs can co-exist in just one country. i think the rest of the world definitely saw the election victory as a massive step forward. one english newspaper said, "america gets cool again." lots of interesting reactions.
anyways,
gotta shoot and study,
DG
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 9 November 2008 12:15 pm |
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WEIGH IN: 154.6lb
So, started this on the 15th of September, just under two months ago. With the occasional blip, I am down 13.4lb. I can't wait to lose that .4lb of a pound and make it one stone lost! Also, I just can't wait to get below the 154lb/11 stone mark. I always feel better once I am 10 stone something.
Today is my cheat day, so I will eat whatever I feel like. I feel that things are changing though - before, a cheat day was about eating everything I wanted during the week. I would wake up really excited that today was the day. I would also wake up the day after my cheat day feeling miserable that I would have to be organised and disciplined for the week. Now, I am looking foward to eating something good, but not really wanting to go crazy. With my everyday eating, I am also finding it easier to keep within my calories, even if I am not extremely organised. For example, yesterday, I had to work all day (literally ALL day) after working two jobs the day before. I didn't have the right food in the house to plan meals, so I just ate while I was out, ordered healthier stuff, and really watched my portions. I kow I could eat the whole plate of food put in front of me, but I ate just half, and felt satisfied for quite a while. I think that is another reason why I don't want to go overboard on cheat days - I feel like I am re-training my habits, and if I ignore my hunger and full signals, I will be undoing all my good work during the week.
I am only working tonight, but have lots of school work to do (mostly reading great stuff - so actually a total pleasure!) so I will go and eat something yummy and read my books.
DG
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wolfmonk
New Member
| Joined: | 21 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 244 |
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Posted: 9 November 2008 11:11 pm |
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Hey - It sounds like you're doing really well and have things going on the right track! Congratulations!
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 11 November 2008 10:00 pm |
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thanks wolf!
weighed in after cheat day at 157.6 - three pounds up from the day before. this is mainly sodium/water weight, but probably 0.25lb is weight from excess calories. i was trying to be moderate, but the calories just added up.
i've been having a pretty hard time over the last two days...i have been working two jobs then the last two days i had school, which is really intense, and it also involves a four hour commute. so i'm tired from all the work, (working nights on school days and days and nights at the weekend) tired from school AND it's freezing, and i've been feeling hungry so I HAD TO EAT. i decided that this week, i will concentrate on getting back down to 146.6lb (water weight anyway) and maintaining, possibly aiming to lose the 0.6 rather than losing loads more. I got the tube from a stop that's further away, adding an extra half hour of fast walking a day (i now walk an hour a day) and added more food. yesterday i ended up at 1700 calories (so worth it) and today, eating what i want (within reason) but making healthy choices based on habit, i've had about 1300. i will probably stop there too. i am a bit nauseous (from the fatigue) and i ate my calories earlier. i'm thinking now that maybe i don't eat enough during the day because i'm worried about running out of calories, but if i eat a more substantial lunch, i won't be as uncomfortable from hunger pangs during the afternoon, and i just won't really be hungry in the evening. i didn't even feel like i was dieting today - just making healthier choices.
also...and i've said this before...i think my cheat day will become a cheat meal. it's a kick in the balls to go up by three pounds in a day, and the concept of eating everything i don't eat during the rest of the week, and actually overeating these things undoes the good work and behaviour i impliment all week. i guess i don't want to spend my life on a diet, i just want to get my weight down and then eat like a normal person - get out of the yo-yo cycle.
i looked up calories burned for walking for my weight for an hour, and it said 294. that sounds really high? i might calculate it as 250. to lose the 0.6 plus the 0.25 i put on (total 0.85lb) i'd need to have a deficit of 2975. So far this week i've had a deficit of around 1000, so i need a deficit of 2000 over the next five days - approx 400 a day. i will count but not restrict calories too much and continue to walk fast for at least an hout a day.
I hope to be at 154lb at my next weigh in on sunday.
this is all pretty much my stream of consciousness, kind of gibberish and not very interesting. cheers for listening, though.
DG
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Grogglebug
New Member
| Joined: | 1 November 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 31 |
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Posted: 13 November 2008 05:21 am |
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Hi there, Congrats on your weight loss! I know you might have gained a little back, but it is probably just water weight and we all flucuate some, it will probably come back off in the next couple of days. Just look at how far you have come, and hang in there! I have been so motivated just by reading everybody's diarys. It is so nice to know that there are people that are doing the same thing and having the same experiences.
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 22 November 2008 08:15 pm |
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it's weird to be posting again - seems like ages, i guess it's been almost two weeks.
Well, I was at school and working plus a four hour commute, plus freezing cold weather, so i decided that i'd eat what i felt i needed, and try to maintain. my weight went up to 159lb, but this evening was at 154.2lb, which is my lowest. i think that's because i went out a couple of days ago, and had a really heavy night. i went to bed at midday the next day, and could only face an apple and some juice all day. then today, had a fry up - but a healthy one - toast, veggie sausages, baked beans and hash browns with coffee. then started feeling really fluey. i had about four teaspoons of ice cream, then i came on here - my reflex was just to put the ice cream away. it wasn't really helping with how i felt though. the only reason i'm not in my bed is cause i had to wash my sheets and have a bath. felt that being super clean would help with feeling rotten.
i guess once i feel better, and eat normally again, my weight will go up again. i estimate that i've had about 800 calories today, but i am just not hungry for more. stinkin flu. although i feel c.rap though, i still feel quite happy about the weight loss. that's pretty terrible, eh?
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 23 November 2008 09:06 pm |
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weighed in today at 152.6lb. that's my lowest yet and 15.4lb down on when i started. (although i can't remember when that was). man this diary is boring. i feel pretty grim. i know my weight has only gone down that much cause of the flu - but hey, i''ll take it. i guess i have pmt, as i am prone to burst into tears at any given point, for pretty much no reason. i have some relationship worries. over a year ago, my boyfriend's father wrote him a letter, saying some quite judgemental things about me and my family (totally unprovoked), and he didn't apologise, and it's still rearing its ugly head. after three years together (and a year after the incident) it looks like this could be the thing that breaks us up, even though everything else is fine. we're planning a trial separation - he's going to go somewhere for a while (not too far, as he works locally). i dunno. i feel a bit calmer now. i don't know if i've given up on him, or if i don't really believe we'll break up. i guess i can't imagine being single now, being thrown back into the dating scene, sleeping alone, and always coming home to an empty flat, not having anyone to call on breaks from work, not having anyone to put a hot water bottle in the bed. not having anyone with a stupid rude family that you have to invite to your wedding. not having a wedding.
i guess my life will really change. little things like having to shave my legs, actually having to watch my weight because i want to be more attractive to more men. not having a stupid playstation in my house. having twice the storage space. i've never lived alone, and i don't have a spare bedroom to rent out. maybe i could turn the living room into a bedroom and get a lodger. i would need the extra money. i've been doing a few shifts in the place he works in, trying to save a few more quid for next year - we'd have to change our shifts so they don't co-ordinate. would we be friends? would i ever meet someone who would do the same crazy stuff? would i ever meet someone who loved me again?
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 27 November 2008 01:12 pm |
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| weighed in at 157.8lb this morning. 5.2lb up on the other day. t'is TTOM though, so that accounts for some of it, as does eating like a crazy mofo since my flu abated. oh well. back on the calorie counting today. mmmm porridge. bought some splenda stuff, which is half sweetener, and half brown sugar. thought it would be nicer, though maybe less healthy than the agarve syrup, which isn't actually that sweet so i end up using a lot of it bla bla my diary is so f.ucking boring
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Terabyte
New Member
| Joined: | 18 November 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 299 |
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Posted: 27 November 2008 08:02 pm |
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First off, I don't think your diary is boring. What is it supposed to be like? I think it's great.
Anyway, that is big news that you and your boyfriend are having a trial separation. And it sounds like it's mostly because his family has something against you--what is their big problem? And does your boyfriend agree with them about whatever their concerns are?
It IS definitely scarey to go back into dating once you've been in a committed relationship. Anything different is always scarey, any time your routine or lifestyle has to change. But you will get used to it and you will find things to enjoy about it, just like anything else. But I can also tell you that I know several married couples (or at least long-term couples even if they aren't officially married) that DID have a break-up or separation at some point in their relationship. Sometimes serious things have to be worked out, the parties take time apart from each other, and both parties reach the decision that they really do want to be together. Sometimes being apart makes the parties realize how much they really would miss if they were apart forever. So I would not give up hope of a continued relationship with your boyfriend. A separation doesn't have to be a forever thing.
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 1 December 2008 02:47 pm |
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thanks for your message.
we decided to try again, so we are living together again. i don't know. i think i love him, or rather, i know i love him, but i don't really feel the urge to get married, unlike everyone else i know, who is desperate to tie the knot, i've been asked, but i'm not really into it...
anyways, spoke to an old flame on facebook. before i say anything, i will just point out that i am trying to make my current relationship work, old flame is also in a long term relationship and NOTHING is going to happen, nor do i want it to. however, things between us ended really badly. it was an awful kind of being in love. in fact, despite calling the emotion by the same name, describing my feelings for both these men as love with feel duplicitous, so different was the experience. i guess my love with the old flame was dominated by desire, fear, insecurity, need. i would actually sit on my bed with my teeth chattering. it was also competitive, and cruel, both of us wanting to look like we didn't care. i guess the new love is open, loyal, happy, considerate and free. although i guess that's the kind of feeling people spend their lives looking for, and the kind of men many of my friends simply don't believe exists, i guess there's just something less exciting about it. but i'm not stupid. i also know it's more solid and dependable.
anyway, old flame wants to meet up - with both our respective partners present - it'll be in a big group. he lives in france now, but is over for two days in january. i'd like to really up the regime until then, and lose as much as i comfortably can. i guess this is a reaction to feeling uncomfortable. my initial reaction to the myriad emotions suffocating me after he wrote was to stuff two cheeseburgers down my throat.
anyways, i've been slacking recently, so i'll probably be up to 160 tomorrow - mostly water weight. i'll go buy egg beaters and veges to make soup, and aim to lose four pounds this week, and 1 to 2 pounds a week thereafter.
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desperategirl
New Member
| Joined: | 15 September 2008 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 70 |
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Posted: 16 December 2008 11:50 pm |
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so...it's been over two weeks since i last posted. weigh in this morning was 161lbs, which is pretty bad, as my lowest was 152.
anyways, enough griping, it's time to get my mission back on. today i had porridge for breakfast, veggie sausage sarnies on brown bread for lunch and dinner (whooops, gotta be more organized with shopping) and a weight watchers pizza. not great food choices, but i've come in at 1500 for the day. i also walked for an hour. so, i need to improve the quality of my food, but the quantity is good. i am working another bum job at the moment, but i'll be getting in at least an hour's walk because of the commute, so that'll rack up some decent calories burned.
well, in other news, got the go ahead with a really great theatre project, so i will be super busy for the next few months - i struggle to watch what i eat when i'm always busy, but i realised that it's totally my choice. i thought, if i don't want to get into the diet groove, then i have to accept myself as i am, and enjoy my body the way it is. that's possible, as i am no longer overweight, but i am not at my happiest at this weight. however, i have adjusted my goal weight a tiny bit upto 140lbs, and i'm hoping to get back to 154 quite quickly (but not crash) and then be quite leisurely losing the last fourteen. i still want to look good and be at 140 for june, but, even with a break for a couple of days over christmas, i can do this.
it was pretty weird the other night. a mutual friend of me and my boyf was chatting to me - we were discussing infidelity in an academic way, then he was pretending to be all general, asking what i thought about it, then said, "we don't need to have an affair, we could just f.uck a few times, and he'd never need to know." thanks. i feel so respected. infact, your sentiment has swept me off my feet. j.erk. some guys are dogs. i told him that, to his credit, he pretty much had to agree.
anyways, was great to read up on the diaries again, and get my mojo back.
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WickedWench
New Member
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Posted: 7 January 2009 08:53 pm |
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Hey Desperate,
New here- but been reading your journal some.. figured I'd check in! How's the weight loss coming? Any huge milestones met? I sure hope so!!
 Wicked
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